I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
