I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
