good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
