in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
