It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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