If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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