How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
