You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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