I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
