I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
