I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
