Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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