Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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