i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
