My sheets look like a crime scene.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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