took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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