I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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