If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
