i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
