I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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