Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
