I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
