textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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