I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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