Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
oh god was she eating orange peels again
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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