Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
