I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
