I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
this will be a night to untag.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
