I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
