My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
