I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
