I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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