Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
