It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
