then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
