i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
