i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
