Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
