you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
