Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
