i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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