I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
