end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
