Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
