I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
