I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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