My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
