I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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