I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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