ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
