just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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