My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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