i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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