It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
