Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
