oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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