How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
