My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
